December 2010
43 posts
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Dear 2010, Suck It.
A brief year end wrap up as to why I feel 2010 can suck it. 2011, you’re looking fabulous in that suit, by the way. Have you lost weight? Heyyy, wanna grab a drink?
2010… you’ve put on a few.
2010 saw the passing of my amazing father-in-law, which left a hole in the world that you might not have been aware of, but you felt (he was that joyous and good a man). When that in...
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On Being Concise
It should *not* take you five and a half pages of transcription to get a very simple question. It shouldn’t take you ten minutes to ask, “Do you feel you have enough money?”
Sometimes people filibuster without even meaning to.
I will be largely quiet today. Mr. Of The House had a birthday last night. Beverages were consumed. I never really thought Hungover Owls would rear...
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Numbers out the @$$
Working on an oversight hearing. Here’s a quick example of why NOTHING gets accomplished in government, and why transparency isn’t necessarily helpful for anybody. Hang on a second while I sketch this out for y’all. No joke, this is an abridged version of what I’ve just typed:
33% of the [dudes] are responsible for 42% of the [bad crap], of which 22% of those are...
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For TLOTH...and friends...
Thank *GOD* I’m not the only one out here who has to sit through legal idiocy. This exchange is so beautiful I actually shed a tear. Thanks, Receiver!
-TLOTH
receiver:
Lawyer B: And sitting here today, we do not know what tissue is torn? Victim: No. You would—no. Lawyer B: Correct? Victim: I don’t know much. Lawyer B: Okay. Victim: I don’t know anything about that....
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Is Google trying to tell me something?
And *no* I was not looking for the Emmys or how to tell if I’m ovulating, thanks. I was doing a blind search on when the hell they’re gonna plow the roads. Google, you are a weepy woman who loves trash TV and feels the impending doom of her biological clock.
Grrr.
-TLOTH
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How Not to Begin A Presentation
OFFICIAL TYPE: Now I need to make some general statements about the data and its definition, because there’s nothing particularly straightforward, and in my view commonsensical, about the material you’re going to see.
Oh god, this is all wrong. ALL WRONG. As a note, if you’ve got data, make it into some pretty pie charts. Everyone likes pie charts. If you can use actual...
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“…an officer had part of his thumb bitten off…”
– from something I’m typing away at. Bitten off?! Note to self: Always remember Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption, ”Anything you put in my mouth you’re gonna lose.”
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The landlord dug us out. I’m heading outside. I’m just barely 5’4” so there’s the good chance I’ll get stuck in a drift. Should anyone encounter a beret sticking out of a snow pile, and should that beret be swearing violently—that’ll be me.
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When Telecommuting Sucks
“Due to the severe Blizzard, The accounting and shipping department is not able to get to the office today December 27th. I do not know if the office will be able to open. “
Yeah, that’s my damned client. They owe me cash right now. Yet, *I’m* still working. It’s pretty difficult to get a snow closing when your office is ten feet down the hallway in your house....
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The Problem With Chicks
Once again, I’ve returned to Excel to sort out all of life’s great questions. A while back some Friends of the House and I were having a discussion about women, unrealistic expectations and why men always fail. ALWAYS. I scratched my head on it and came up with a solution. You poor suckers never had a chance. Movies ruined it for you. As with everything, it’s...
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Get Back in the Kitchen....
…and make me some pie.
Things baked this weekend (and it’s only Saturday).
Tuscaloosa Tollhouse Pie (It’s pie, but a cookie too, pretty much. And you make it with whiskey!)
Mini Apple Pies (Mr. Of the House: We’re out of lemon Juice. Me: We’ll just use more bourbon!)
Olive Oil Orange Bunt Cake
Burnt Sugar Bunt Cake (This may be the best tasting thing ever,...
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“WITNESS: I’m sorry. I can’t stop it. I’d rather just keep...”
– Oh hell. This is from a trial I’m not-so-happily at work on. I believe this calls for eggnog. Happy Holidays to me. The rest of you lot too.
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The Lady and Best Buy
Something terrible always happens when I’m in Best Buy. In a previous episode I nearly punched a sales dude. Now, I hearts me some technology. I’ve got lots of sparkly things with pretty buttons that make all sorts of cool noises. Back in the day I could program in Basic, so I’m an old school geek. It’s all good. But there’s just something about Best Buy, like...
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Freudian Slip Pt. 2
Best unintentionally funny/pornographic typo of the day:
For some stupid reason today my fingers are consistently typing “meating” instead of “meeting.” This causes such lovely turns of phrase as, “Were any reports discussed at this meating?” Waaay too much for my immature brain to handle. I’ve got a whole office scenario worked out. All I need is a...
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Je Ne Comprends Pas
Image via Wikipedia
About doing business with the French:
First of all, smoking is still very much en vogue elsewhere in the world. Let’s just get that out of the way. The amount of “cigarrrrrette” breaks taken was alarming. To this I give a highly practiced Gallic shrug.
The French are usually pretty sure I don’t speak French, which means it’s highly amusing when...
section9 asked: Since I might have been before her before: What judge?
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Endless Bleak Despair (now 25% more free!)
Image via Wikipedia
I will be meeting with the French client tonight. This requires stuffing down my fantastic jokes about French Letters, all the different ways one can surrender, the various words for ennui, and questions about ironic smoking.
This will be miserable.
As a lead up I’m working on a case where the petitioner’s last name is comprised entirely of consonants and the...
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4 Wheels, Trunk Space, No Heat
Image by tofutti break via Flickr
Things learned on Vermont trip:
A loaded up ‘89 Volvo wagon is still a sweet ride
No heat makes it slightly less sweet
The Vermont Country Store sells Biscoff Spread
I will be obese within the week (see above comment)
Mother Of The House enjoys punk covers of Neil Diamond, Barry Manilow and Elton John, courtesy of Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
When...
A Thing About Yo' Momma
…about my Momma actually, maybe yours too. Here’s a very key thing about Mother Of The House.
You’re getting soup.
It might be tuna corn chowder. It might be some potato soup she forgot went bad. It might be Campbell’s soup in a can. You might not need soup. Your cabinets could be overflowing with pasta, bread, fruits, veg, and yes, soup—but you’re...
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Wherever You Go, There I Am
Image by Getty Images via @daylife
There are some really interesting searches that lead people to this tumblr. These are a few:
Grammar Check Sucks
Sexy lady cleans house
Lady jobs in Feudal System
Lady Boobs
Patron Saint of Quicken
House Lady Orgy
Jean-Claude Van Damme
Well, obviously the last one wins. Who isn’t up for Van Damme-age?!
I always feel slightly sorry for the folks...
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Helpful Cross-Examination Hint
A suggestion from The Lady Of The House.
Should you find yourself presented with the opportunity to cross-examine a witness, y’know, just for shits and giggles, prepare a question or two.
Your case should not look like this:
JUDGE: Do you have any cross for this witness?
NON-LAWYERY TYPE: No. He’s lying. He’s a liar. He is lying.
JUDGE: [Name redacted] that is...
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Don't Open That Envelope!!!
You know you’ve waited for it, that moment when a relative croaks and you get to be the Estate Administrator! Well, no, you probably weren’t waiting for that at all actually. You were probably waiting for some unknown relative to die and leave you riches, weren’t you, you sly bastard?
Either way, if someone dies and the next step is Housing Court something has gone wrong....
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“LAWYER: It should be noted that the parents are Bulgarian.”
– Hmm. I’ll just file this under, “Things that make me look at foreigners suspiciously.”
I will be demanding a bonus in food, I think. A half wheel of Brie and one eclair per hour should be my special French pay grade.
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Déjà vu
I’m going to be working for the French again. A client (through my middleman) has requested me personally. This must be like how cats, upon encountering a cat hater, choose to rub up against that person’s leg.
I shall amuse myself on this job by imagining that back in their homeland, my clients work on computers comprised entirely of croissants. Oh, how I love your pastries, but...
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The Lady Reflects: Chicks of Indiana Jones
This is completely unrelated to typing, transcription, legal crap, bitchery or any of my usual mainstays. Sorry. Well, no, not really. This has to do with being in The House, on a crappy weekend, when some channel or other has a marathon of Indiana Jones movies on. But hold on, hold on. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT!!!
I even sorted it out in Excel. I mean, *everyone* should use Excel to...
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“WITNESS: Give me a minute while I pull it out.”
– Today’s adventures in unintentionally erotic testimony. It seems my maturity level never progressed beyond my teenage years.
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Your Money and You: Legal Shenanigans
Image by iBjorn via Flickr
Sometimes the glamorous world of legal transcription crosses with the high stakes world of financial scams. When this happens, it’s time for the Lady to give you a short lesson on your dollars.
For the past several hours I’ve been listening to a mountain of compliance calls where folks are signing their lives away to a law firm who is administrating a...
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Meeting People...and Baking?
My alter-ego participates in TumblrEatUp (which if you haven’t heard of it, you should). I spent part of the weekend baking up a storm (mint chocolate thumbprint cookies with white chocolate peppermint ganache) for a delightful gal I’ve never met… and someone else out there had been doing the same for me.
I met him yesterday. It’s unusual but lucky to be able to actually...
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Of Lawyers and Tubers
Image by beautifulcataya via Flickr
A brief snippet of what has been posted elsewhere today in lieu of interwebs behaving badly.
I was at work on a hearing involving the welfare of a child today. Note: not all children turn out perfectly in this life. It doesn’t mean they are any less loved—indeed, sometimes they are loved even more because of the difficulties they face. I will...
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“JUDGE: Let the record reflect [Lawyer] is eating junk food.”
– Yes. I actually have to type this crap. And the [Background Noise] that eating said junk food creates. These are your tax dollars at work. Let the record reflect that that screaming noise you hear is a transcriptionist’s last nerve fraying then snapping.
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Dusting Off the Suit
Tomorrow brings with it a rare occurrence: the Onsite Job. [Cue menacing music.]
On occasion I am required to leave The House to meet some particular client’s needs, particularly for note taking. ”Note taking,” you say. “Lady, isn’t that what college students do?” No, my dears; it’s what college students are supposed to do, but don’t because they...