January 2011
77 posts
1 tag
Have you met...
JohnnyCaseInWonderland? Because you should, you really, really should.
I agree wholeheartedly with the vast majority of what he writes (and writes so well!) about film, tv, life, etc. PLUS, the man’s got guts. Why, you ask? Oh, he’s not afraid to say when Glee goes wrong or when Modern Family hits an off note. Why, he braves Tumblr with less than glowing thoughts about Harry...
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Benefits of Having a Scientist Parent
Image via Wikipedia
So my dad was a scientist, some might even say a mad scientist, which actually explains a lot about me. Now, while other kids could say, “my Dad’s a fire fighter and let me ride on the truck,” or “my Dad’s a cop and he lets me use the handcuffs” (er…. what?) I had no such cool experiences to impart. On career day, my father was...
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Shameful Literary Nerd Confession
There was a time in my life when I went around drawing post horns on everything. Thankfully, like acne, one eventually outgrows The Crying of Lot 49 syndrome.
-TLOTH
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“LAWYER: She probably muted us. Ms. [Witness]? All right. You may have us on...”
– Well, this is going swimmingly. Better legal proceedings through telephonic testimony.
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Better Living Through Excel: Friendships with...
I’m jealous of the term “Bromance.” There’s no real good lady-friendly equivalent. Womance? Oh hell no. Ho-mance? Don’t make me slap you. I was discussing this with one of my best friends last night. There’s no term for our mutual chick love/appreciation society. As it turns out over the years I’ve managed to maintain only about four close women...
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Slow Talker
Just as awful as the fast talker, but for entirely different reasons, the slow talker is the bane of any transcriptionist’s existence. The slow talker is a deceptive creature, who presents him or herself as god’s gift to the typist.
SLOW TALKER: Heyyyyy. So… I’m gonna talk… like, reaaaal slow. Your hands will have a… um… … … …...
caterpillarcowboy asked: No effing way you still pay for an AOL address. I refuse to believe it. Please tell me I'm wrong.
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Space 25 Years After. About the Larger Things.
This may be before many of you Tumblrs were born. I date myself, but this is important. Please forgive me for the lack of snark, witticisms, etc.
25 years ago as I sat in a darkened classroom, eyes glued to a television set, I watched seven people die as the Challenger exploded. I was too young to understand what had just happened. My teacher shut off the feed. I don’t remember if I...
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NEVER say Backup. Ever.
iluvrambling replied to your post:Distinct Problem with Tumbleweeds / My Identity Crisis
OMG A BAKING BLOG *slobber stalk follow* As an aside, I am interested in your legal shenanigans and your excel sheets. You do have regular backups, right? I used to be the guy who had to recover that crap from tape backups.
Why, dear god WHY did you have to say backup?!? That’s like the secret word...
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Distinct Problem with Tumblweeds / My Identity...
EDIT: Problem resolved. It’s kind of a backward process, because you can only notify on your primary account that you are on Tumblweeds, *but* the secondary tumblr is now able to be listed in the Tumblweeds directory. My alter ego may now be found under both #Food and #Humor. This sucker continues to be unclassifiable and unpromoted. Just the way I like it. Glad the Tumblweeds folks...
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captainjackjohnson asked: What is your favourite thing you have ever written:
Your favourite completed thing and what was it about?
Your favourite line?
Your favourite piece of dialogue?
Your favourite word?
Your favourite completed thing and what was it about?
Your favourite line?
Your favourite piece of dialogue?
Your favourite word?
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A Letter to Mr. Of the House:
You, sir, are the manliest man that ever manned. Why do I bestow this honor upon you? Let me list the reasons.
On the crappiest day of the year you ventured out of the house to buy stuff for me.
That list of stuff contained Tampons and Maxi Pads.
You did not scoff at said items. You put on your big boy boots and got to work.
You actually took a picture of the carton to make sure you got the...
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“WITNESS: So, you know, let’s say when I tell you that Starbucks gives the...”
– Um, maybe your kid just knows that Starbucks does not in fact give the best coffee. Just goin’ out on a limb here.
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15, or, I Apologize for Your Transcript
I’ve got 15 jobs in the queue. I don’t know how this happened. Normally I’ve only got about three or four at a time, y’know, so I don’t get the files mixed up and accidentally send Mr. Quigimerolowskiberg the files for Ms. Pouchorabininstein’s divorce proceeding. That’d be awkward, right?
Yeah, I’ve got 15 of those suckers lined up now. I...
Anonymous asked: I'm in legal ethics class. It's not about the law and it's not about ethics. Thus, it is boring. What else can I do that no one will notice I'm doing? Bonus points: I'm sitting in the second row.
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Giving Some Good Pen
receiver replied to your post:What is your favorite pair of shoes, pen, watch, salty snack, sweet snack, curse word, board game, video game, and why?
I wanna seeeeeeeeee your pen! And no, thankfully, that’s not a euphemism! :-) Doritos brought back the Taco flavored—not the late night taco, but the original taco, you know, back when most of Tumblr was still watching the Lion King after...
receiver asked: What is your favorite pair of shoes, pen, watch, salty snack, sweet snack, curse word, board game, video game, and why?
section9 asked: Say Mr. of the house didn't exist and you met a very nice gentleman who was attractive, smart, funny and treated you well. However, he insists that Taco Bell is authentic mexican food, General Tso's chicken is an ancient Chinese delicacy, and that Wal-Mart brand butter is just the same as Plugra.
Keep or dump?
Keep or dump?
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I Have Now Sent the World's Most Important E-mail
And there was much rejoicing. Yaaay.
Or not. Actually, now begins the period of trying to forget that normal human beings don’t respond to things in .003 seconds, and that I should stop checking my e-mail. It’s probably a good time to ask me stuff, y’know, if there’s some burning question you think that a half-crazed transcriptionist in a Snuggie might have an answer...
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Note to Self
Proofreading something 1,000 or more times does not make the writing any better. Nor does it mean that I won’t still miss that one bloody typo. I’m going to miss it. I will type pubic instead of public. Every. Single. Time.
Further note to self: Anyone who rejects something made of 100% awesome over one stinking typo out of 22 pages is obviously a moron.
Attempting to stop...
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I Miiiiight Lose a Finger
Okay, okay so that’s an exaggeration. However, it’s really frigging cold outside. Single digits and single digits with little hyphen-y looking things in front of them are not acceptable in my life. Here’s why.
I’ve got this really annoying thing called Reynaud’s Phenomenon. No, it doesn’t mean that I suddenly know how to speak Portuguese or anything like...
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Wherein I Hit a New Low
Just had to search a document for the phrase, “sugar-induced solitude.”
Yeah, I wrote that.
On my dashboard in this exact order:
Owl
Mustache
Batman
Tumblr-Hipster trifecta.
I believe we all have to take a shot now or something…
caterpillarcowboy asked: I saw your Magic the Gathering reference the other day. The kid in me who LOVED to play thanks you. In fact, Will (section9) and I both still have our cards (which are 10-15 years old). It'd be so fun to play again...
Also, I've dated two double reed players in my lifetime. You all are quirky!
Also, I've dated two double reed players in my lifetime. You all are quirky!
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The Worst Nightmare EVER
My sleeping brain concocted the worst scenario ever. I was trapped inside a pair of jeggings. Yes, jeggings. I’m still shaking.
To do today:
Finish legal job involving the person with the worst last name ever.
Compile a “best of” from the other thingy.
Assemble package of correspondence that I meant to send two months ago. (Nothin’ says keepin’ in touch with...
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The Benefits of Having Doctors as Friends
A list of events which may or may not have happened:
Friday night: Unintentionally inebriated nerd party. (What’s a nerd party, you ask? Why, it’s when shepherd’s pie, mini-mini pies, and large amounts of alcohol are consumed followed by a game of Settlers of Catan and possibly Magic the Gathering…things got a little fuzzy toward the end there. Wiiiiild night in the...
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Sometimes Friday Night Needs to Apologize to...
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Things to Do
Continue to try to make self sound awesome on paper
Attempt to cover up that 90% of mess in house is mine
Make pie crust
Try to not eat all of pie crust
Make mini-mini apple pies (thinkin’ they’re gonna go in mini cupcake tins)
Drop it like it’s hot
Attempt to prove to dinner guests that I am fabulously entertaining
Conceal the fact that I’m a cheap date
Attempt to...
receiver asked: Savings? What's that? :-)
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Utter F*ckery, My Banking Rant
Image via Wikipedia
I have spent the morning switching my accounts from a bank I have previously associated with Robber Barons and profiteering to a bank which I previously associated with Lord Vader.
Why? Because the new banking fee structures are skewed HORRIBLY against freelancers. As a freelancer I get paid at different intervals in varying sums. Robber Baron bank now requires that I...
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Goings On.
Image via Wikipedia
I have been Aunted again. I am one of those unfortunate people who looks at babies and thinks, “Yes, well, that thing’s odd, isn’t it? It should at least come with blinking lights.” This should prove interesting. I have decided that despite whatever this child’s name is, he shall henceforth be referred to as Falcor. Why? Because...
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Things of Note
A list of things that are occurring/have occurred today. Any and all judgments about my character are welcome.
Imbibed two cups of coffee. Whined until Mr. Of The House pressed the button on the machine to make the first cup for me.
Groaned mightily about the unfairness of waking up.
Made pie filling and eventually pie. Added rum where none was called for.
Took pictures of pie.
Had pie for...
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Wherein I Start Shooting Flames from my Eyeballs
*THAT* just managed to find its way into my inbox. Holy Hell. Waiiiit a minute, there are people who call themselves writers, who make publications about writing, who tell others how to get published, what to read, etc…. and THAT is what they leave in my inbox?
AAAAAGH!
Years and years ago I bought a book from these folks. It contained a collection of addresses/details of people to...
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“Let me just point out that the matter is being recorded today. From that...”
– Favorite. Judge. EVER. It’s the “jump up and down” that really makes it.
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Useless Knowledge Gleaned from Work
I work on a lot of random things, not just legal proceedings. I also have a fairly good memory (when I was a mademoiselle, it was rumored to be photographic). The combination of these things means I have amassed a vast wealth of useless information that rolls around in my head like so many ball bearings.
Examples of such things:
The Baum Hitting Machine was invented to rate the performance of...
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Better Living Through Excel: Shoulder Pads
Shoulder pads have been gracing red carpets lately. I’d ask people if they remember how truly horrible fashion was in the ’80s, but that’s pointless—obviously they’ve all forgotten; thus, the return of shoulder pads on ladies.
So, for those of you who are slaves to fashion I’ve made a simple, foolproof guide table of the dos and don’ts of shoulder pads....
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“LAWYER: We believe that there are systemic failures in the system.”
– Tautological Lawyer is tautological.
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An FYI...
Every time you start off with, “As Your Honor is aware,” you’re going to wind up sounding like a dick.
Just here to help.
-TLOTH
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300th Post Extravaganza
Image via Wikipedia
Welcome to the 300th post edition of this tumblr. I do hope you all wore your gowns and tuxedos, as this is going to be a classy affair. This is the post wherein I direct you to my favorite things that I’ve put up in a manner which nobody would dare call narcissistic or self-indulgent. Seriously. I dare you. I’ll whomp you. I may be little, but I’m a...
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Fill in the Blanks
How is it that when it’s asked of me to say fantastic things about myself I’m at a total loss, yet any time I’m supposed to sit quietly and shut up I can’t help but sing my own praises?
Good gawd. Apparently I have no sense of self. No, narcissism is not a substitute for sense of self. Anyone want to write my bio for me?
-TLOTH
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At the time, animal rescue seemed more important than the welfare of mankind as a whole. In retrospect, I might have been mistaken. I suppose the sudden rise in zombies should take precedence over my pinkeye concerns. It seems down south they call them “Walkers.” How charming. Incidentally, Rabbit Of The House says hello to your bunny.
-TLOTH
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On Pinkeye
I have somehow contracted Rage, or for you non-zombie lovers, Pinkeye. Mr. Of The House swears it’s viral, but he also swears he didn’t fart on my pillow, and we all know there’s a 99% chance that’s a lie. All I know is that it’s gross, it itches, and it’s one of those stupid diseases that only little children are supposed to get.
Here is the...