January 2012
86 posts
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December 2011
71 posts
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personal bakery
Incidentally, this was/is Mr. of the House’s birthday cake. Black Magic Cake (very simple recipe a la Hershey’s). The frosting was caramel buttercream.
I still have half a stinking cake to get rid of, not to mention there are cookies up in this piece.
I can’t see in this place for all the butter. Most of the time after I bake something I lose all interest in it.
Helms-Deep is...
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Dear 2011,
I’m not sure what it is I should say about you, year, except that you showed me precisely what I’m made of. I wound up being more pleased with that than I thought I’d be. I’ve had to reevaluate how I view myself as an adult. It wasn’t all bad.
My self-image tends rely more heavily on body image than it should. 2011, you changed that radically. Doing important things...
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I Quit.
More specifically, my body quit.
It decided to void everything without my consent. All at once. No warning, no apologies. Everything I put into it in the last two days—yeah, my body just decided no dice.
I find this totally humiliating.
There’s something about those stupid bolt covers that go on the bottom of a toilet that I find infuriating. Also, I now have 500 new ways of...
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“I get 35 birthday farts. Isn’t that how it works?”
– Mr. Of The House
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The Mr. Gets Older.
BaffledinBrooklyn, also known as Dr. Baffled and Mr. Of The House, is celebrating a birthday today.
It’s gotten to the point where birthday punches are a health hazard for us, so they’re being avoided entirely.
I’ll share small secret (well, not so secret) about the day we first met. It was just before my 19th birthday; he was [insert a number] years older than me. We were...
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A Further Thought on Libraries
There’s a somewhat romanticized idea that moneyed people in government often get about bringing “inner city youth” (oh goodness, they do love that term) to a library — how it will change their lives and turn impoverished, disenfranchised young minds into empowered ones, creating lifelong learners. It’s a romantic notion. It may be true. All I know is that I am one of...
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The Kids Are In Fact Alright
Behind this post is a woman who is incredibly thankful.
This year I became an aunt again. I’m not wonderful at aunting, but I’m learning. He’s a pretty great kid who seems to think his job is to make everyone smile. That may be hereditary.
I will complete a book this coming year. It will be my second and not my last. It’s strange but good to know that.
I have a job.
...
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Merry Xmas. The Power Is Out.
The power is out. There was sort of an explodey type thing down the block.
The nephewy baby type person arrives in t minus one hour.
Our food has not been cooked.
I cannot have coffee. I repeat: baby type person arrives in one hour and I have NO COFFEE.
I sincerely hope that someone is getting paid time and a half to fix this. Because… babies. Coffee.
Happy Chrisanukkah to y’all.
...
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Old Person Gamer Problem
I can’t hear the Nutcracker Suite without wishing I had the joystick for my Commodore 64. Figure Skating in Winter Games was my b*tch.
Biathlon might be the reason I have carpal tunnel.
-TLOTH
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[Insert Ho Ho Ho]
I think the trees are getting smaller every year.
The dove is still on top. That’s pretty good.
I ran into a couple of busts of myself last night. Saying hi to yourself is odd.
Nutmeg pudding has been consumed. Fact 1: Fresh Nutmeg is a hallucinogen. Fact 2: It tastes really damned good. Fact 3: I ate a lot of it. Fact 4: Nothing interesting ever happens when I eat a lot of it.
...
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Snippets
Of conversations participated in today…
“What goes into making pudding?” “Make pudding.”
“Sorry if you’re spicy. I pepper juiced everywhere.”
“I’m just sayin’. It’s a crappy present year. Don’t get your hopes up.”
“Aren’t you going to try on my wig?”
“By eight months our kid would be...
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Mr. of the House on Writing
TLOTH: I’m working on a sex scene. I want to get about 300 more words out of it, but I don’t feel like writing humping right now.
MR. OF THE HOUSE: Can’t you just write, “Hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump hump?”
TLOTH: You may go now.
Mr. Of The House: Winner of the National Book Award.
-TLOTH
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Emails from My Client
Lately one of my clients has been overloaded with work to the point of being rude. These are excepts from emails they’ve sent to their vendors. I’ll move from normal to the worst.
Typical:
“Lately we are being swamped with last minute Expedites and today is no different, unfortunately. “
I get four of these a day. They usually start coming in around 5:00 p.m.
...
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Chanting.
If I finish this by noon, I will make cake.
If I finish this by noon, I will make cake.
If I finish this by noon, I will make cake.
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Housewifery
Of course you love my apartment. It makes you feel like your house is clean.
-TLOTH
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On Disliking New Year's
I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I dislike New Year’s Eve and all its associated annoying accoutrements. There are several reasons.
I’m too old for hangovers.
I won’t pay $200 to freeze my ass off on a rooftop. I’d rather spend that money on hats and cheese.
You’re expected to make plans for the evening weeks in advance. I don’t plan anything...
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Melancholy Serenade - King Kurtis
I was low on...
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Dear Lawyer,
Though you’ve been taught to argue and argue well, there is a point at which arguing will damage your case.
Example. It’s generally unfavorable to your case when the judge yells:
JUDGE: Stop talking. I said stop talking. Whoa. Everybody stop talking now. Nobody talks but me! Stop. I said stop.
Ms. Lawyerpants, I’ve been transcribing you for years now. No matter what...
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cranquis asked: Certainly you are familiar with that certain feeling you get, when you've been writing about a certain topic and so you're using a certain word over and over, and you finally feel uncertain about the spelling for the certain word? Is there a certain (certian? certen? surtin?) term for that?
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A Post for Someone Else's Birthday
My favorite picture is one of us, both wearing berets. It was freezing outside and you still weren’t used to the east coast brand of cold. It’s been more than a decade since that picture. We still smile the same.
I have two favorite phone calls. One, when you called me up in the middle of the night to tell me you’d finished my book; because you didn’t have to read it...
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Well, That's Odd
Someone at William-Sonoma was googling for pictures of mini pies and wound up here.
Hello William-Sonoma person! I have lots of excellent mini pie pictures. I have done things with your pie press that people only dream of! Baked egg pie, nutella peanut butter pie, berry pie, peach pie, chili pie, pear plum pie, maple custard pie, berry tartes, chocolate pie….
Oh crap. It just got a...
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Bear Hats, Brownies, and Balls
Because I list things.
Half a mini brownie pie left. Too rich to eat in one sitting.
Went to rich people post office. Was treated like a human.
Thankful to friend who gave me the letterpress cards.
Writing thank yous is a miserable endeavor.
Want to say, “Having to talk to umpteen people twice a day every single day to keep them updated on medical statuses was horrible, but it’s...
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Facts.
Through finagling, dented boxes and years of Best Buy gift cards, Mr. Of the House just came home with a Dyson Ball Vacuum.
Said vacuum only put us out $180.
I never knew that we lacked the proper amount of suction.
We now have the proper amount of suction.
I just engaged in a prolonged fit of “procrasticleaning.”
Procrasticlean: [proh-kras-tuh-kleen] verb. Housecleaning in order...
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2.5 hours. Many Scars. 0 Stitches.
2.5 hours: That’s how long it finally took to pick up a package in my post office. I now have a photo mug of my deceased rabbit. I don’t know how I feel about all of that except to say I started out in a good mood today, but that went elsewhere.
The scar thing. I see you’re all posting scar stories. I have almost zero interesting scars. Most are from burns and required no...
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Camp Post Office
It takes 30 minutes to find one package. I have notified my job and relatives that my new permanent address is the post office. The post office informs me that it needs one month to update my address to their lobby.
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Post Office Update
I have moved three feet. Members of the line are organizing. Our demands are food and chairs.
This has become Occupy Post Office.
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crumpeteatingwoofter replied to your post: Bravely I Venture Forth
Not all Europeans are like that ^_^
Exactly m’dear. Just as there are also healthy, polite, open-minded, non-bible thumping, non-gun-toting Americans who just want to cuddle.
You and I, we’re natural exceptions.
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Bravely I Venture Forth
I have done zero holiday shopping so far. I am going to do *all* of it today. There are some problems with holiday shopping in NYC… namely that everyone in the entire bloody world descends upon the city because some ridiculous films and books associate this place with Christmas—oh yeah, and the dollar is weak.
You know what’s infuriating? Reams of European tourists chortling...
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On the Agenda.
Nerves
Business Meeting
More Nerves
Work
Work for the other thing
Nerves
Contemplate why it is that evolution deemed the desire to vomit an appropriate fight or flight response.
Welcome to Saturday. Cheery things later. Probably a cookie.
-TLOTH
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Oy.
The Mitzvah Tank just rolled by again. What was that post about Hanukkah being under attack? Right now my house is being attacked by Hanukkah. I’d laugh but it would just be drown out by the klezmer.
-TLOTH