Circling Sharks

As a little kid I had a lot of self-confidence. My mother has an entire album of me grinning like an idiot, hands on my hips, looking like life really couldn’t be any more spectacular than it was at that moment. I was disgustingly confident. I didn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t like me. Actually, I flat out assumed that people did. I remember being outgoing and harboring the firm belief that if I was at the right ice cream parlor at the right time I’d be discovered because I had *it*. Whatever *it* was.

I also remember the exact moment that changed.

In the sixth grade I had begun hanging around with a group of six girls in my class. They were girls I’d gone to school with since kindergarten, with the exception of one girl who was new to the school that year. Somehow, she’d become the leader.

At lunch time on the playground those six girls literally circled around me and said:

“[TLOTH] We’ve decided we don’t want to hang out with you anymore. You’re not cool. We’re gonna hang out with Lynn instead.”

That was the first time in my life I had been summarily dismissed without hope of recourse (I had yet to audition for anything).  I remember trying to plead my case for how cool I was.

“Yeah, well. I have slumber parties and they’re really cool. I’m just not going to invite you guys…. but you can still come if you really want….”

They replied:

“No. Just get over it. Stop talking. We don’t want to talk to you anymore. You’re not cool. Lynn is cool.”

Obviously I missed the whole point of being summarily dismissed.  I spent the rest of my lunches that year hanging out with Lissa, another girl who had been told she wasn’t cool. We did word searches and crosswords together and generally talked about how much those other girls sucked. For the both of us the sting lasted a long time. I think we hung out with a couple boys too. It was a knees and elbows sort of group. It never occurred to me that I was actually having more fun doing crosswords and word searches with Lissa than I would have been with those other girls—who were busy trying to flirt with Jesse Spinx. In their defense, Jesse had a pretty spectacular late ’80s, early ’90s mullet. But I digress.

I’d lost my confidence. Suddenly there became a myriad of reasons that people might not like me. Obviously it was my dumb hair, my bad clothes, that I liked reading, was good at math, and had watched an absurd amount of Nova and 21 Jump Street. Could I change them? Should I change them? Did I even know what those broken things were?

I had an awkward time with those girls later on.  One was the younger sister of my sister’s boyfriend. It’s difficult to sit across a dinner table from someone who basically told you you’re sh*t and there’s nothing that can be done about it.  Later on I had the delicious experience of kicking her out of a party she wasn’t invited to.  I was nice about it.  I know now that she was a victim of group mentality, but that did nothing to soothe my hurt feelings at the time.

What happened wasn’t bullying in the sense that some might think. I suffered no prolonged torment at the hands of those girls. It was a one time thing and it was done. But they changed who I am.  My social confidence was broken for years. I tend to not be a joiner.  Groups of people make me uncomfortable. I’m always looking for the leader, the one who tells  the others to go in for the kill. Sometimes I’m afraid I might be that person.

I had a job a few years back in a high-pressure sales environment (in NYC, so add a little more pressure). I saw a group of adults do the same damned thing to coworkers as had been done to me on the playground. Once, the person they were doing it to refused to participate. He got up, went to the bathroom, and never came back.  I admire that.  It took me seven months to leave that place.

As an adult I have some confidence—the tenuous confidence of a “loner artist” type. I think my stuff is sh*t, but it’s better than anybody else’s sh*t.  I know that not everybody will like me; they’re not supposed to. I try to convince myself that it doesn’t matter when somebody doesn’t dig me—but it does. Those stupid girls changed me. My general opinion is that I’m like good beer, sushi, or goat cheese—an acquired taste.  

That said, my slumber parties are really cool. We watch scary movies and stay up late. In the morning I make pancakes.

-TLOTH

38 Notes/ Hide

  1. clairesalcedo said: I want to hug you. And we can have slumber parties at ComicCon!!!
  2. hawthornetaylor said: Your slumber parties sound awesome. I would feel super cool if I got invited. Anyhow, sushi is better than McDonalds any day.
  3. herestothehalcyon said: I like good beer, sushi and goat cheese.
  4. shovelbum said: I dig you, I dig you a lot. Hopefully, a pancake slumber party is in the near future (especially since I was told today by my boss that he wants me gone a full month earlier than I planned)
  5. rabbit-reporter said: I love you TLOTH. Thank you for what you wrote, it was beautiful and I can relate. I had three best friends that called me to tell me that I looked “below average,” and that my bf at the time agreed with them. Would be bad for their image and all.
  6. glitterbubbles said: you are the coolest, and amazing. I had similar experiences, I think a lot of us have. I love you, and I would much rather be at your slumber party than anywhere else. xoxoxoxoxo
  7. claireleannep reblogged this from ladyofthehouse
  8. bakewithavengeance said: On the rare occasions you share childhood stories, my mind automatically reads TLOTH as “Tiny Lady of The House”. Also, little kids are asses.
  9. sallydoodle said: we had a similar group that called themselves “the green dots”. seriously. bitches, man. just let me know when to be there for the slumber party :)
  10. novicenurse reblogged this from ladyofthehouse and added:
    playground….f-ing bitches
  11. crumpeteatingwoofter said: I want to personally shake hands with everyone who made you the incredible woman you are today. Also, fuck girls. Hateful little pieces of shit.
  12. womaninterrupted said: I wanna join your group. It sounds awesome. As long as we talk about Johnny Depp and not Richard Grieco. I cannot tolerate him. He reminds me of a walking talking penis. Anyway, yeah this slumber party…um..when is it?
  13. tracingben said: That’s my favorite look, ever. I love seeing it in my kids. Also, girls are mean.
  14. goodtoseeyoubettyluke reblogged this from ladyofthehouse and added:
    strange moment when...sixth grade dance. God.
  15. ladyofthehouse posted this