The Lady Of The House

That she lost it all the dog track. Letting it ride on Mr. Floppy wasn’t the best idea.

TLOTH is a nearly unpronounceable thing. Much like Muad’dib, my name is a killing word. In your defense, QVC is highly entertaining. Anyone who isn’t watching Quacker Factory is missing out.

As for puking, well. Forgive me. A tale of terror:

I suffered a terrible reaction to Levaquin (a powerful antibiotic) while undergoing treatment for a sinus infection that would eventually result in surgery. The adverse reaction was vomiting, projectile, profuse, and prolonged. I was out with a friend when the reaction hit. I had to excuse myself from a reading in order to be sick. I thought I’d be able to make it home, but I vomited on the street. In fact, I vomited every ten feet for the entire mile and a half walk back to my house. I couldn’t call a car or cab because none would take me. I wasn’t sure if I could get an ambulance or if I needed to go to the hospital, because I was too busy vomiting to think straight.

I vomited every two minutes for what I believe to have been eight hours. Once there was nothing more to vomit I dry heaved. I crawled across the bathroom floor that night because my stomach muscles had cramped up too much to allow me to stand.

You sound like a lovely thing (I think know who you are, if so I do still peep in on you from time to time), but oh my dear, you’ll forgive me if I choose to no longer have vomit be involved in my life.

-TLOTH

Look out, folks!  It appears my mother has gotten hold of Tumblr.  Be warned, you’re going to hear all about how I was *robbed*  when I didn’t take first the 6th grade speech competition, and how I brought down the house during my senior show because I’m just like Joan Cusack, only better…

You’ll probably also be told to dress warmly, and make sure that you cook chicken thoroughly because chicken is always suspect.

Okay, no seriously, I love this. I’m probably going to print it out and frame it.

Ooh! A shy exhibitionist, are we?  I think what would be more impressive is if I told you about your menstrual happenings over the next few days.  Namely:

• Plot vicious murder
• Curse uterus
• Cry at fabric softener commercials, because *bears* and *babies*
• Plot revenge against manufacturers of denim
• Bitch about the costs associated with feminine hygiene
• Wonder how anyone ever made it out of the Red Tent without  decapitating another woman
• Simultaneously pray for and fear menopause
• Swear that no one truly understands your pain
• Attempt to solve world’s problems via chocolate

FYI, not only am I a menstruation psychic, I also read Tarot Cards.

-TLOTH

Y’know, honestly, this is probably the real reason why I blog. Because it looks sort of strange when you wander around in life spouting off things like, “Do you know how to cook crack? Because I learned while transcribing a drug bust. Here, let me tell you all about it.” Whereas on the internet, that’s perfectly normal behavior.

Egad! And my answer was erased!

What I meant to say was, thank you!  Pretend I’m arching a brow seductively right now, in that come hither sort of way.  Y’know, come hither into my messy room full of papers, discarded snuggies, granola wrappers, and action figures.

I once did that “Which famous actress’s eyebrows do you have” thing (yeah, it’s a thing).  I’m halfway between Marilyn Monroe and Joan Crawford.

Yeah.  That’s frightening.

Happy Birthday Mr.  Presi—-No wire Hangers, EVAAAAHHH!

Why hello there, my little gray-faced friend.

I’m not quite sure how to answer this other than to say, I’ve always referred to Mountain Dew as “Radioactive Piss.” That’s just what it looks like to me.  Perhaps that’s really the secret, it’s radioactive pee with a really long half-life that somehow improves your World of Warcraft game.

However…if it *is* the secret mission of the secret spirit of the Cherokee to help white dudes everywhere to an early grave via obesity, lack of social life, and gaming-induced heart attacks, well then, that just might be what’s going on with Mountain Dew.

Hm. Methinks I’ve just revealed a plot.  Viva la Revolucion!

I’ve always preferred Mello Yello myself.

-TLOTH

Excellent question, my lovely greyscale friend!

50,000 words. 30 days. 40 gallons of coffee. All the Sharpie Pens.

I am not participating in this year’s NaNoWriMo because, weirdly enough, I’m writing a novel!  What?! Yeah. Actually, October wound up being my Novel Month and I very much followed the word generating schedule, as I have a hard and fast deadline to meet that some lovely folks are holding me to. My November looks to be filled with revision, which doesn’t really fit with the NaNoWriMo rough draft schedule.

Oddly enough I’ve never done a NaNoWriMo because I thought, “That schedule is impossible!” As it turns out, I was being a big baby. I’ve written scripts in that time frame, I just found a novel too daunting.  I suffered under the misconception that writing a novel should take an obscenely long amount of time.  Again, I was being a big baby. Next year It. Is. ON.

Now, I wouldn’t suggest undertaking a project of War and Peace magnitude in a month, but a fun novel draft is *definitely* doable. Don’t expect it to be polished or ready to send off to an agent, but a month is definitely time to get your work in good enough order to have something to play with over the course of a few months, resulting in a book you can be proud of.

That said, it’s a mammoth task! NaNoWriMo offers all kinds of support, cheerleading, suggestions, sponsorship opportunities, etc. I encourage people embarking on this 30-day scribble fest to explore the site, jump in, and for god’s sake let people know you are doing it.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned as a writer, it’s that it’s a damned solitary profession that most people really don’t understand as far as process, productive hours, and the amount of time you’re going to spend tapping away with things. If you talk about it, people will want to give you support. Actually, people are usually pretty impressed. Impressed people are *always* good for your self-esteem as a writer.

So no, I have not participated in an official NaNoWriMo, but I’ve done my own version of it… with the support and cheerleading of my friends and family. They’re all very impressed. I’ve fooled them.

Incidentally, there are lots of tumblrs participating in Novel November (NaNoWriMo), TracingBen being one of them. Should you stumble tumble across one, give them an encouraging cheer. It’s hard but rewarding work.

Best of luck on your own endeavor! 30 Days and Nights of Literary Abandon!!!!

-TLOTH

Why hello there intrepid young typist!  My current typewriter is a Smith Corona 250 DLE, which was my mother’s until she recently admitted that she didn’t see herself using it again, at which point it became mine… ALL MINE!!! 

However! If you are in market for a vintage and don’t have any relatives looking to divest themselves of hoarded typewriters, I would suggest myTypewriter.com. Granted, they can be rather pricey, but they’re sorted by decade; the same site also deals in supplies and accessories, and you avoid the eBay “Good GAWD that’s not what I thought I was buying!!!” horror.

By the way, hands off my green Smith Corona or I will hunt you down and wear your face as a hat.

Kisses and Snuggies,

TLOTH

Mum. Hmm, might I have a British Anonymous asker? British Anonymous—that sounds a bit like a recovery group, doesn’t it?  Good luck with your erm… steps to being less British? I’d offer you inroads as to being an American, but that doesn’t seem be to going over too well with anyone lately. I’ve recently been informed that 99% of us are dissatisfied.

Aaaanywho. A really lovely recipe can be found here. It also contains a link within to a very good lemon kiwi curd (which is a bit sweeter than just lemon).

A note on curd:

• Do not dump it down the stove. Dumping one full quart of curd down a stove after slaving hours to make it will invariably result in creative swearing.
• Dumping curd down the stove is bad for your stove.
• Dumping curd down the stove is bad for anyone in earshot.
• I may or may not have once dumped a quart of orange curd down the stove.

Incidentally, do feel free to dump baking questions in here for silly answers in the 2nd person.

-TLOTH