The Mighty Hole of Asking is Open
There is much typing to be done today. My attention span for this job is that of a hamster loaded up on Red Bull, which makes this the perfect time to open up The Mighty Hole of Asking.
For you new contestants (oh, you’re so *sparkly*) this means that you may drop whatever you wish to into the above ask link. I’ve got google and wikipedia tabs open, an actual encyclopedia around here somewhere, a dictionary, thesaurus, and a brain that’s pretty much a sponge for useless facts and witticisms. I’ll also unleash embarrassing personal anecdotes at a moment’s notice. So, have at me.
Anonymous is on should you feel shy or not have a tumblr.
Of note: For the odd thing that I actually know little to nothing about, I am fully capable of fabricating a bullsh*t answer and stating it with such conviction that no one will know I’m lying. Writer and ex-actor here. It’s a gift.
-TLOTH
Q:I need to make up some language about why I want to work in a particularly Judge's (who-shall-not-be-named) chambers. You are go for bullshit:
I am go for bullshit. I bullshit for the children. The children!
Dear Judgy McLaw Pants,
I find your rulings to be both full of rule and excellent in their judging nature. Your decisions are decidedly deciding, and I find that inspiring. I’d like to learn at the hem of your noble robes. With all that implies.
Ever yours,
PalmtreePalmtree
Hm. I’m not very good at this. However, if you shoot me what you’re starting with, I’ll tinker away until it is a finely honed piece of whatever it’s supposed to be.
Q:A woman giving birth just had her sister take a picture of the baby as the head began to come out of her vagina. This is a NOT uncommon occurrence. Who the hell shows people pictures like this? "This is baby Drizzella's first picture. That's her head right there. You can't see her body because it's STILL IN MY VAGINA.". Am I missing something? Are these people as sick as I think they might be?
… I guess I never told you about the time your mom whipped out the photo album while you were on the john…
Q:Ok, so when I make it out to Gotham later this year, there are some important things I need to know: a) How does one get initiated into the jaunty chapeau wearing crime fighting syndicate? b) If one is accepted, what are the costume requirements? c) Will a "faithful sidekick" nickname be given to me, or will I have to come up with my own? d) Does the syndicate have a name since The Avengers and The Winos have already been claimed? e) Will there be baking involved? I love baking.
Hm. Well, being inducted into our secret ranks is a long and difficult process. Namely one must stop a crime. Crimes may be, but not are limited to:
- Unintentional disposal of bacon.
- Refusal to read The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
- Burning of chocolate.
- Banning barbarians.
- Carrying a concealed whisk.
Costume requirements are as follows:
- Hat. (If not jaunty in style, said chapeau must at the least be worn at a rakish angle.)
- Supportive Undergarments.
- Stylish Fleece Loungewear.
Sidekick names may be either literary, culinary, or snark(erary?) Current names up for grabs:
- The Dark Enrober
- The Deconstructionist
- Mandoline
- The Unreliable Narrator
- Silpat
Our Syndicate is as yet unnamed. Some candidates in the running:
- The Society of Quill and Flatware
- The League of Exceptional Taste
- Task Force Snuggie
- Chapeau Squadron
There will be baking.
To others wishing join our ranks, please forward your inquiries and CVs to the secretary.
-TLOTH
Q:This is not an anonymous message. You seem like a very lovely person. I'm sorry I yelled at you that time. I'm not right in the head, you know. Do you like pizza? What are your favorite toppings?
Oh hush. You’re just fine in the head and you’re terrific. I’m sure I don’t even remember what you speak of.
I adore pizza. It’s kind of a prerequisite for anyone living in this area. I’m pretty sure pizza is in our baby bottles.
As for toppings: I love olives. If there are olives on your slice and not on mine—put your slice on lockdown because I will steal it. Also, pepperoni, sausage, and pretty much any cheese. Basically, ALL of the cheese. Mushrooms get the side-eye. I also happen to love pizza that has sliced tomatoes as opposed to sauce. A little basil, some balsamic, and I’ve pretty much died and gone to heaven. Ricotta? Yes, please.
I’ve also been known to eat ziti on my pizza.
Q:I think you're a super champ. and i don't know if you follow me anymore. because all i post is ladies puking on one another. but it was fun whilst it lasted. you is also are a very pretty woman, censor bar and all. I never get any of your references to shows or anything, because I only watch QVC but i still sit here like HAHAHAHHAHA YEAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also, TLOTH sounds like the sound I make when I eat chocolate when im high. i cant write very well.
Anonymous
TLOTH is a nearly unpronounceable thing. Much like Muad’dib, my name is a killing word. In your defense, QVC is highly entertaining. Anyone who isn’t watching Quacker Factory is missing out.
As for puking, well. Forgive me. A tale of terror:
I suffered a terrible reaction to Levaquin (a powerful antibiotic) while undergoing treatment for a sinus infection that would eventually result in surgery. The adverse reaction was vomiting, projectile, profuse, and prolonged. I was out with a friend when the reaction hit. I had to excuse myself from a reading in order to be sick. I thought I’d be able to make it home, but I vomited on the street. In fact, I vomited every ten feet for the entire mile and a half walk back to my house. I couldn’t call a car or cab because none would take me. I wasn’t sure if I could get an ambulance or if I needed to go to the hospital, because I was too busy vomiting to think straight.
I vomited every two minutes for what I believe to have been eight hours. Once there was nothing more to vomit I dry heaved. I crawled across the bathroom floor that night because my stomach muscles had cramped up too much to allow me to stand.
You sound like a lovely thing (I think know who you are, if so I do still peep in on you from time to time), but oh my dear, you’ll forgive me if I choose to no longer have vomit be involved in my life.
-TLOTH
Q:I secretly think you are possibly the most brilliant, hilarious, magnificent, and entirely incredible person I know.
Anonymous
Look out, folks! It appears my mother has gotten hold of Tumblr. Be warned, you’re going to hear all about how I was *robbed* when I didn’t take first the 6th grade speech competition, and how I brought down the house during my senior show because I’m just like Joan Cusack, only better…
You’ll probably also be told to dress warmly, and make sure that you cook chicken thoroughly because chicken is always suspect.
Okay, no seriously, I love this. I’m probably going to print it out and frame it.
Q:Do you want to know about my menstrual happenings over the next few days?
Anonymous
Ooh! A shy exhibitionist, are we? I think what would be more impressive is if I told you about your menstrual happenings over the next few days. Namely:
- Plot vicious murder
- Curse uterus
- Cry at fabric softener commercials, because *bears* and *babies*
- Plot revenge against manufacturers of denim
- Bitch about the costs associated with feminine hygiene
- Wonder how anyone ever made it out of the Red Tent without decapitating another woman
- Simultaneously pray for and fear menopause
- Swear that no one truly understands your pain
- Attempt to solve world’s problems via chocolate
FYI, not only am I a menstruation psychic, I also read Tarot Cards.
-TLOTH
Q:I like that you know random things and share them with us.
Anonymous
Y’know, honestly, this is probably the real reason why I blog. Because it looks sort of strange when you wander around in life spouting off things like, “Do you know how to cook crack? Because I learned while transcribing a drug bust. Here, let me tell you all about it.” Whereas on the internet, that’s perfectly normal behavior.
Q:You're my favorite jaunty-chapeau-wearing heroine..
I think this ask is important, because I think it somehow implies that I either A) have some sort of properly attired gentleman caller, probably in regimentals, or, B) a Bat Cave.
I’m going with Bat Cave.
[insert very important hug things here]
