Foodies: Adventures in Ranting with TLOTH
Foodies don’t actually like food.
I was thinking about this over nachos (and this may have been the margarita talking), when a friend of mine said, out of nowhere, “I give these nachos a 6.”
What?! Who rates nachos? Why? They’re nachos! They’re comfort food. Provided they don’t give you horrible amoebic dysentery, they’re good. Friend stated something about soft chips. Yes, soft chips! They were sitting under a giant pile of hot fats! At this point I started to get really animated; picture a smallish woman making large Woody Allen hand gestures.
My problem with foodies is this:
I’ve seen far too many foodies praise really terrible food because of who made it, how much they spent on it, a particular fad, and some sort of buzzword they just learned. Umami can suck it, by the way. The other week I shared a truly god awful dessert with someone. That foodie friend praised the creativity, the texture, everything about it. We paid through the nose for this travesty of a confection. I maintain that this miserable concoction owes me at least 100 taste buds. *BUT* it was very trendy dessert, so foodie friend was happy. Honestly, a good old brownie sundae would have kicked this gastronomical contraption’s butt any day. Yes, I mean contraption. There were layers and structures and I’m sure there was a plug or circuit somewhere in that mess.
Oh, and macarons! Don’t you even start me on macarons! Too late. I’ve started on macarons. First: nobody should pay that much for something that’s that easy to make at home. Second: You’re paying for food coloring and jam or chocolate. Think about that. Third: There are so many, many cookies in the world. Why would you spend your hard-earned cash on macarons when there are lemon poppy seed cookies, snickerdoodles, dirty girl scout cookies, etc.? Is it because macarons look cute and have that perfect shape? News flash: That’s surface tension. They just *do* that. When you make them at home, they’ll do that too.
Digression: My 6th grade science fair project was on bubbles and surface tension. It was incredibly brilliant and involved lots of dish soap. Incidentally, back in the day, Joy had the best bubble bang for your buck. I got a badass ribbon from a National Lab for that project. Of course, things might have been rigged because my father was a scientist at that lab. Also, you should have seen my sister’s research on why Bounty paper towels are more absorbent. I mean that in all seriousness. Science is cool.
Did we survive that digression? Good. Back to foodies and bad food. Not so long ago I ate at a trendy much written about restaurant with some writer/foodie friends. I was served something that was inedible. By inedible I mean I was quite literally unable to eat it, though I tried valiantly. I poked at it with my fork and knife, tried sawing it apart really hard, asked for a steak knife, then asked for a small chainsaw. I had essentially been served a piece of leather, and had paid $80 for the privilege. My foodie friends happily babbled about how delicious said inedible thing was (I refuse to call it food). Oh, and it’s locally sourced, responsibly farmed, organic, massaged every day and read bedtime stories every night! And… it’s bad food.
Also, on “Pie is the New Cupcake.” If you have only just discovered pie, you do not actually like food. If you retired cupcakes, you do not actually like food.
I’ve had foodies ruin meals for me by talking about how great other meals they’ve had were. “Oh, this is fine, but have you had the ____ at ____? It’s like this only *so* much better.” Suck it, foodie. You’re not actively enjoying food when you’re dreaming about other food and ruining someone else’s meal. Bad foodie, bad.
Foodie, to me, is not a term one should take pride in as it’s come to imply a persnickety person who can be very judgmental, yet lacks the refined palate of a Gourmet. I am *not* a foodie…because I like food. ALL of it. Gourmand might be a better word for what I am. Occasionally that implies a certain amount of gluttony, but I’ll take it. Actually, yes, that’s rather representative of me.
I’ve yet to rate nachos.